A little something that isn’t tarot or astrology related. But allow me to get it out of my chest.

Lately, I haven’t been strong enough to carry this heavy weight that’s on my shoulders. I am filled with self-loathing, feeling it growing increasingly worse as I question where I am, what I’m doing, who I’ve become.

I was once proud. I loved the way the words dripped from my pen to paper. I flourished from the passion inside my heart. I was happy and content.

Now, I’m lost. Unmotivated. Doubtful. Scared.

It’s tough when you constantly compare your current self with who you were before. I witnessed myself at my peak. Without even knowing, I’ve slid so far down. Now, I can’t even write the stories I want to tell with the same depth and eloquence as I once did, or as my co-writers do. I feel myself slipping away from everything I had invested so much time and energy and love on.

A few days ago, I watched Matilda The Musical and wasn’t prepared to be so moved by the song “When I Grow Up.”

I quote:

When I grow up
I will be strong enough to carry all the heavy things
You have to haul around with you
When you’re a grown up

And when I grow up
I will be brave enough to fight the creatures that you have to fight
Beneath the bed each night
To be a grown up

I have indeed grown up, but I’ve yet to be strong, I’ve yet to be brave. One day, I hope I will be.

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