There was a moment before New Year, as I accomplished my end-of-year reflections and decided on my new goals, when I was suddenly paralyzed by fear.
I dreaded the start of this new decade because I couldn’t see what the future looked like. I had done so much in 2019 — launched my passion project, created a website, started tarot reading for others, changed day jobs, went on many trips, hung out with friends more often — that I couldn’t picture myself doing anything more in this year to come.
And all this dawned on me while I reflected on my Word for the Year — a resolution, a mantra, a word that would hopefully encapsulate what I wanted to be and do. I couldn’t picture it. For the first time, I didn’t know what to expect, didn’t know what else I wanted. I was facing the unknown and had nothing to prepare myself for it.
The more I thought about it, the less surprising it actually was. I was always the starter — the kind of person who begins things out of impulsiveness, who takes the lead because no one else will, who wants things done now. But I’ve always had a hard time following through.
I’ve done this before. I’ll start a project, visualize how it ends, and suddenly, midway, lose myself. I’ve written so many stories that stopped halfway because I didn’t know how to sustain them, to keep it moving. I’m in a constant state of “What now? What next?” with the projects I’ve done. And I never know. I never sit myself down to think. Or, I think, and I think hard, but I end up frustrated even before I make a plan.
And I guess that’s how I found my answer.
Sometimes, I try not to promise myself things when I know I’ll be too afraid to do it. But how can I expect myself to grow from that?
And so I settled on my word — EXPAND — to prove to myself that I can stay faithful to my projects, nurture them and take them to greater heights, instead of abandoning them in search of a new hobby.
And although I’m honestly still not convinced by my word (it just didn’t have that impact on me than “MOVE” from 2019 did), it’s okay. What matters is that I know what I need to do, even if the future is unclear.
This blog post is one of the first steps towards it. It’s sloppily written, it’s a word vomit, a post that I typed from my stream of consciousness. Sometimes, when I can’t bring myself to think of the right words, I just go with whatever’s in my head. I find that it will always take me to where I am meant to be, even though I have no idea where it will be.
It’s okay to have days like this. To have posts like this. To say random stuff, knowing people who may read this will judge me for it, and wonder what’s really going on inside my head. But it shouldn’t matter. This post is for me, and I am the kind of person who finds it difficult to sustain things, and this is the first step towards sustaining this, and that’s what matters.
I will try harder to keep this up no matter how word-vomitty it may sound. I’ve missed having a blog to type my thoughts, anyway. This is the first step. I’ll look forward to more.
January 19, 2020